Nemo Nisi Mors.

I am sure by now we all know that there are good days, and then there are bad days. 

My bad days exist solely because I allow them. I could change my entire life around, yet.. I have no idea where to start.. or how.. Okay.. let me rephrase that.. I know how to start, per se. I just need to get off my fat ass and move.. Thats the problem. I am confined to my tiny apartment. 

If I leave to better my life, I get laughed at.. or the back of my head get’s so sore from being stared at that it isnt even funny… Maybe one day I will come to terms with the fact that I am abnormal because I am fat. Maybe one day I will realize that I did this all on my own.. I had no idea that I was ruining myself as a child… or that by the time I reached the age I am now, I would be so clinically depressed that I am afraid to tell anybody about it. I simply had no idea. I thought I was normal. 

Nobody cares that I took the time to tell my feelings. Nobody even knows me. 

I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel awful about my life, and how I live. I feel like death is my only option some days. I feel anxious. I feel tired.

I am tired. 

I get it now.

I highly doubt anybody important will ever read this… I suppose that doesnt matter. 

But.. I get it now. 

I understand that I will never be anything important. 

I will never be the person the way I’d hope to be.. 

I’ll never have what I want, in any stretch of imagination. 

I understand that now. 

All melodramatic phrasing aside, you must know that I have a heavy heart. 

I am far too kind, and I rarely ever see that kindness given back. 

I bend over backwards to help a stranger on the street, yet…nobody will bend for me. 

I was always told that because of my supposed graciousness, I would be one of the loneliest souls on the planet. 

Because I am readily willing to make somebody else happy before I show happiness to my self. 

I dont have a selfish bone in my body. 

And I am drowning in a sea of self-seeking peers.