I am sure by now we all know that there are good days, and then there are bad days.
My bad days exist solely because I allow them. I could change my entire life around, yet.. I have no idea where to start.. or how.. Okay.. let me rephrase that.. I know how to start, per se. I just need to get off my fat ass and move.. Thats the problem. I am confined to my tiny apartment.
If I leave to better my life, I get laughed at.. or the back of my head get’s so sore from being stared at that it isnt even funny… Maybe one day I will come to terms with the fact that I am abnormal because I am fat. Maybe one day I will realize that I did this all on my own.. I had no idea that I was ruining myself as a child… or that by the time I reached the age I am now, I would be so clinically depressed that I am afraid to tell anybody about it. I simply had no idea. I thought I was normal.
Nobody cares that I took the time to tell my feelings. Nobody even knows me.
I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel awful about my life, and how I live. I feel like death is my only option some days. I feel anxious. I feel tired.
I am tired.
I highly doubt anybody important will ever read this… I suppose that doesnt matter.
But.. I get it now.
I understand that I will never be anything important.
I will never be the person the way I’d hope to be..
I’ll never have what I want, in any stretch of imagination.
I understand that now.
All melodramatic phrasing aside, you must know that I have a heavy heart.
I am far too kind, and I rarely ever see that kindness given back.
I bend over backwards to help a stranger on the street, yet…nobody will bend for me.
I was always told that because of my supposed graciousness, I would be one of the loneliest souls on the planet.
Because I am readily willing to make somebody else happy before I show happiness to my self.
I dont have a selfish bone in my body.
And I am drowning in a sea of self-seeking peers.